Candid Camera
by Septemberrains8
Summary: Whilst trying to retreive an adult magazine stolen by Ron, the Weasley twins stumble across a shocking photograph... COMPLETED
1. A Strange Discovery

This little piece of fluff takes place at the end of Chamber of Secrets. This first part is a bit of a teaser but I promise the rest will be up in a week or so!  
  
  
Candid Camera (PG)  
By Melanie Matthews  
  
  
The midday sun streamed through the windows of the Gryffindor fourth year boys' domitory, setting the room aglow and causing the red hair of the boy by the window to shine like burnished copper. For a moment Fred Weasley watched the tiny specks of dust dancing merrily in the golden beam before turning his attention back to the view and sighing impatiently.  
"Hurry up, George, they'll be back soon!"  
"I'm going as fast as I can!"  
George Weasley shot an angry glare at his twin brother and then returned his attention to the trunk he was rummaging through.  
"I know it's here somewhere," he muttered, "it's got to be."  
The trunk in question belonged to their younger brother Ron and was already packed full to the brim with his belongings, ready for the long trip back to London. At least, it had been packed before George had started on it. Now most of the contents lay strewn across the floor: robes, books, pyjamas and chess set all piled in an untidy heap. But still George continued to search.  
"Maybe he gave it to Harry," Fred said helpfully from the window. From his vantage point high in the Gryffindor tower he could see right across the grounds, over to Hagrid's hut on the edge of the Forbidden Forest. Ron, Harry and Hermione had left half an hour ago to say goodbye to Hagrid and Fred was watching for their return.  
"Hang on, there's a load of magazines in the bottom here!" George said excitedly. He tossed the pile of magazines onto the floor and started leafing through them, tossing aside back issues of "Martin the Muggle" and a thick, glossy "Which Broomstick?". It had to be here somewhere...  
"Here it is!"   
George waved their stolen copy of "Spellbinding Sorceresses" above his head triumphantly. Quickly he started to pile the rest of Ron's possessions back into his trunk. Thank goodness they'd found it. Ron had been threatening to blackmail the pair of them after he'd accidentally stumbled across George flicking through it in his dormitory. The magazine had been ordered by the twins and their friend Lee Jordan from a company that specialised in the supply of top-shelf magazines for the magical community, and which promised discretion at all times. With the delivery charge it had cost them almost two galleons, but one glance at it's pages had reassured them not only that it was worth the cost, but also that Mum and Dad would kill the pair of them instantly if they found out about it. Delighted to be on show again, the girl on the cover danced provocatively, her robes slipping down off her shoulders revealing a tantalising amount of bare skin. George swallowed hard and forced his eyes back onto the trunk. Finally everything had been squashed back in and he snapped the lid shut.  
Over by the window, Fred was strangely quiet.  
"Can you see them yet?"  
There was no reply. Shielding his eyes against the bright sunlight, George saw that his brother's attention was occupied by something square and white that he held in his hand.  
"Fred, what is it?"  
"It fell out of one of those magazines," Fred said in strangled tones. He passed the object to George, then grabbed the magazine from where it lay on Ron's bed and hurried out of the dormitory.  
"But..."   
It was too late. Alone and slightly stunned, George glanced down to see what it was that had upset Fred so much. In his hand he held a photograph, a photograph that had apparently been taken in the same room where he stood now. He could see Ron's bed with his familiar striped pyjamas folded on top of the trunk next to it. But on the bed lay a most unfamiliar sight: a woman he had never seen before wrapped only in a white sheet. Her dark hair cascaded over her shoulders in soft waves, her green eyes sparkled with mischief as she smiled teasingly at the camera. The sheet left little to the imagination: beneath it George could make out the curve of a slim but womanly body that matched anything he had seen in "Spellbinding Sorceresses". And then he realised who he was looking out and his jaw dropped in horror.  
  
The woman in the photograph was Professor McGonagall.  
  
To be continued...  
  
  
Shocked? ;) There is an innocent explanation, I promise. Well, reasonably innocent anyway... 


	2. The Plot Thickens

Thanks to everyone who reviewed - I'm glad you're enjoying it! Anyway, here's part two...  
  
  
  
Fred raced helterskelter across the common room and charged straight through the portrait hole, causing the Fat Lady to shriek in surprise. He could hear George yelling at him to come back but he didn't care. Professor McGonagall and Ron?! It was horrible! It was disgusting! To think that the strict, uptight deputy headmistress was secretly seducing innocent young boys! She was probably blackmailing Ron, Fred decided. The poor boy would be terrified of saying anything in case he was expelled. He was too scared even to tell his own brother! And who knew how many others there were? It was a good job that he and George had found out: now they could put an end to this shameful business.   
Unfortunately Fred was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't notice the figure on the fifth floor landing until he had almost crashed into it. When he realised who it was he stopped abruptly.   
"Weasley!" barked Professor McGonagall. "You know the rules about running on the staircases. I need hardly remind you that it's extremely dangerous to say the least."  
"P...p...professor-" Fred stared in horror at his teacher. How could she just stand there and look at him like nothing was wrong? His face grew red with anger.  
"Where are you off to in such a hurry, anyway?" Professor McGonagall peered curiously at him over the top of her glasses.  
"You... you..." Fred stammered.  
"He feels sick, Professor!" cut in a familiar voice. George was leaning over the banisters from two flights up. Quickly he ran down the remaining steps and patted his brother on the back.   
"We were finishing up our sweets from Hogsmeade," he explained. "I think Fred had a bit too much chocolate. He was running to the bathroom. Come on, Fred." He grabbed Fred's arm and dragged him hastily in the direction of the bathroom. Luckily, by now Fred was making quite a nasty choking noise.  
"Weasley..." She didn't sound convinced.  
"Sorry, Professor, can't stop! I'm feeling a bit ill myself now!"   
George pulled a handkerchief from his pocket, held it over his mouth and started making loud retching noises. He risked a quick glance back only to see Professor McGonagall frowning suspiciously at the pair of them. Before she could do anything more, however, they made it into the bathroom and the door banged noisily shut behind them.  
"That was close!" George said in relief. "Honestly, Fred! What were you going to do, accuse her right there?"  
"How could she?!" Fred hissed angrily. "He's our brother, George! Aren't you angry, too?" And then his face went white and he stared at his brother in shock.   
"She's done it to you, too!"   
"Fred-"  
"She has! That's why you stopped me saying anything, isn't it? I bet she told you they'd expel you if you told anyone what she was doing to you! Oh no, she-"   
"FRED! She hasn't done anything to me, you idiot." George sighed loudly in frustration. "We can't just confront her. We have to speak to Ron first."  
"Oh, yeah. Better go down to Hagrid's, then."  
When they stuck their heads cautiously through the door Professor McGonagall had gone. The two boys made their way down the rest of the staircase, out through the entrance hall and down to Hagrid's hut. When they got there, Hagrid was sitting outside smoking a rather smelly pipe and grinning broadly at them.  
"All right, yeh two?" he boomed loudly. "What're the pair o'yeh up to now?"  
"We're looking for Ron," Fred explained. "He said he was coming down to say goodbye to you with Hermione and Harry."  
"Is he still here?" George asked.  
"Nah. Yeh missed him. They've already gone back to the castle. Say, how would yeh boys like some cake?"  
He was talking to thin air: the Weasley twins were already running back up towards the school. Hagrid shrugged. "Never mind," he said, "all the more for yeh and me, eh Fang?"  
  
Back up in the Gryffindor common room there was still no sign of Ron, Harry or Hermione. George slumped exhausted in an arm chair. "I don't get it," he said. "Where have they gone now?"  
"Beats me. Maybe we should just stay here. They're bound to come back eventually."  
"Yeah." George was too tired to suggest anything else.  
The two boys sat in silence for a while, each wondering what they should say to their brother when they eventually caught up with him. Finally Fred suggested a game of Exploding Snap but before they could even deal the cards the portrait hole opened again, and this time Percy stepped him. Ginny was with him, her face red and tearstained. Before either of the twins could say anything, she rushed off towards her dormitory.  
"I found her crying downstairs," Percy explained. "She won't tell me what's wrong. I think she's still upset about everything that's happened. Anyway..." He puffed up his chest importantly. "I must get back downstairs. Professor Dumbledore wants to see all the prefects immediately and I can't possibly keep him waiting."  
"I expect he's ordered a new hat for you to fit your big head, Percy," George yelled at Percy's departing back. "Come on then, Fred, deal the cards."  
"Don't you think we should see if Ginny's all right?"  
"You heard Percy. If she wouldn't tell him she's not going to tell us, is she? Anyway, we're not allowed in the girls dormitories."  
There was a sudden loud sniff from the doorway behind them and the twins whirled round so Ginny stood there. She was holding what looked like a photograph in her hand.  
Fred and George stared at each other.  
"What's the matter, Gin?"  
Ginny started to cry again. "Oh, it's awful!" she sobbed. "I went to borrow a book from Hermione and she wasn't there so I looked for it myself and I found this!"  
She handed the photograph to her brothers. It showed Hermione sitting on her bed but she wasn't alone.  
  
Hermione was kissing Professor Snape.  
  
  
To be continued...  
  
Part three will be up shortly! 


	3. Suspicious Minds

Thanks again to everyone that reviewed! An explanation is coming soon, butmeanwhile here's chapter 3!  
  
  
Fred and George stared at the photograph in horror. Hermione and Snape? But Snape hated Hermione! And what on earth was Hermione thinking? Surely she would never stoop that low? Just the thought of anyone kissing that slimeball was enough to turn both the boys' stomachs. If they weren't careful, George thought, they really would be ill.   
"Isn't that the jumper Hermione was wearing at breakfast?" Fred asked Ginny, who nodded.  
"I think it must have been taken this morning," she added. "You know how Hermione always has a photograph of her parents by her bed?"  
"No, I'm not allowed in the girls' dormitory, remember?"  
"Oh right. Well, it's not there, which means she must have already packed her trunk."  
Beside them, Fred said nothing. He was still wondering where Harry, Ron and Hermione had got to. It had been over half an hour since they had left Hagrid's hut and there was less than an hour left until all the students would have to leave for the station. Why had the three of them mysterious vanished now, right when Fred and George needed to find them?  
"That's it," Fred said eventually. "We have to find Ron now. Something funny is going on and I want to know what it is. Ginny, are you coming with us?"  
Ginny shook her head. "I haven't finished packing yet," she said. "I'm going to stay here and wait for Hermione to come back."  
"Suit yourself."  
The two boys muttered the password to the Fat Lady and left the common room. They were about to make their way back downstairs when they noticed that just outside the portrait hole stood Professor Lockhart, looking far more like his old self. Resplendent in robes of a deep, rich crimson colour, his hair was immaculate and his expression was just as smug as it had ever been. Both the twins stopped abruptly in surprise. Nobody had seen Lockhart since he'd lost his memory: he'd been up in the hospital wing and Madam Pomfrey had kept the curtains around his bed constantly closed. Even when Fred had let off a Filibuster Firework and it had hit Lee in the eye they hadn't been able to catch a glimpse of their old professor. But there he stood looking as though nothing had happened.  
"Ah, Weasley," Lockhart said, flashing a brilliant grin at George. "Just the person. I'm looking for Harry. Is he in Gryffindor Tower by any chance?"  
George gaped at Lockhart.   
"But you... you... you lost your memory!" he stammered. "You've left! Dumbledore told us at the feast!"  
"I assure you there is nothing wrong with my memory, boys. Now is Harry here or not?"  
"What do you want with Harry anyway?" Fred asked, his eyes narrowing with suspicion.  
Lockhart puffed up his chest importantly.  
"That is a matter between Harry and myself," he said. "But since you ask, I'm writing a new book about how I defeated the basilisk and saved Harry and your sister from certain death. The photographer is downstairs waiting to take a picture of them both."  
Just then the portrait hole behind them swung open and Ginny peered out. Her eyes were a lot less red now and she had obviously washed her face. She opened her mouth to speak but before she could say anything, Lockhart leapt forward and hustled her back into the common room.  
"Miss Weasley! Excellent! Is Harry there by any chance as well?"   
A moment later the portrait hole slammed shut and Fred and George were left alone on the landing.  
Fred shrugged his shoulders. "Better make sure Ginny's ok," he said.  
"Yeah, that git will probably put a memory charm on her and make her say that it was him who rescued her, just so he can put it in his stupid book."  
  
Back inside the common room, Lockhart had sat Ginny down by the fire and, just as the twins had feared, he was holding his wand. Immediately they pulled out their own wands ready to stop him but before anyone could speak, the portrait hole opened yet again and this time it was Professor McGonagall who was climbing through.   
"Gilderoy!" she cried, in strangely un-McGonagall-like tones. "I've been looking everywhere for you!" She didn't look herself either: her face was flushed, her hair was loose and she wasn't wearing her glasses. Neither Fred nor George had ever seen the deputy headmistress without her glasses, despite that fact that she'd been called from her bed on several occasions when the twins had been caught sneaking around at night. And even then she'd always had her hair in a net, never loose. Something very strange was happening... but what?   
"Oh Gilderoy," she continued. "Please don't leave Hogwarts! I love you!"  
Lockhart leapt to his feet, dropping his wand as he did so, and rushed over to embrace Professor McGonagall.  
"Minerva," he exclaimed, "I love you too! Let's run away together and get married!"  
The twins stared in horror. Was this really happening? What on earth was wrong with Professor McGonagall?   
"Maybe she's been drinking too much butterbeer," George muttered.  
"Maybe he's put a spell on her, too," suggested Fred.  
"That would explain the photo."  
"No it wouldn't! Why would she be on Ron's bed? And she was normal when we saw her downstairs just now. And what about the photo of Snape?"  
"Well how else do you explain it then, cleverclogs?"   
"Hang on a minute!" Fred dived over to the floor where Lockhart's wand lay and hurriedly scooped it up.   
"George, this looks like Harry's wand!"  
"Why would that oaf have Harry's wand?" George asked.   
Fred started to reply but was stopped by a strange choking noise coming from the corner. The twins turned to see Ginny doubled up with laughter, holding her stomach with one hand. Helplessly she collapsed into an armchair.  
"Sorry, Harry" she managed between giggles. "I can't help it! It's just too funny!"  
"Harry?" George and Fred said together.  
"Somebody had better tell us what's going on RIGHT NOW!"  
  
To be continued...  
  
All will be revealed shortly ;) 


	4. The Truth Is Out There

A/N Sorry for the delay. Here's the final part:  
  
  
The sight of Fred and George's angry faces set Ginny laughing again and this time Professor McGonagall and Lockhart broke apart from their embrace and started laughing too.   
"This isn't funny, Ginny!" Fred said crossly. "And you two can cut it out as well!"  
"That's no way to speak to a teacher!" Professor McGonagall snapped, but the effect was spoiled by the twitching at the corner of her mouth as she desperately tried to keep a straight face. Lockhart - if it was Lockhart - nudged her sharply in the ribs. This, however, was a mistake. McGonagall spun round and jabbed him hard in the stomach, eliciting a yell of pain and causing him to double over in agony. As she stepped back, a smug expression on her face, she tripped over the hem of her robes which were suddenly inches too long for her. Tumbling forward, she grabbed hold of Lockhart's robe to steady herself but all she managed to do was pull him over as well, so that the two of them found themselves in an undignified heap on the floor.  
"That was your fault!" Lockhart muttered irritably, his voice strangely high pitched.  
"You started it!" McGonagall's hair was changing: instead of straight and jet black it was fading to a lighter brown, and the ends were starting to curl and stick out. Lockhart's hair on the other hand was getting darker and he, too, seemed to be shrinking: the robes that had previously been a perfect fit now hung well over his hands and feet. His eyes were slowly turning from blue to green and a strange mark was appearing on his forehead until suddenly he was bearing a startling resemblance to...  
"Harry?!"   
Harry turned a deep shade of red as he tried to disentangle himself from Lockhart's too-big robes. Before he could escape back upstairs Fred and George descended on him, grabbing the collar of his robes and pulling him roughly to his feet.  
"I suppose you think this is funny!"   
"Don't tell me - polyjuice potion."  
"You could have got in serious trouble for this, Harry!"  
"What if McGonagall - the real McGonagall - had come in?"  
"Where d'you get the potion from, anyway?"  
"Hermione made it," Harry mumbled. "Would you please let go of me?"  
Fred released Harry but continued to glare angrily at him. By now Hermione had also got to her feet. She looked suitably ashamed of herself, though there was still a mischievous twinkle in her eye.  
"So, Professor McGonagall... where's Professor Snape?" George's words were heavy with sarcasm.  
"...or should we say Professor Weasley?" added Fred. "Where is our darling brother?"  
Hermione blushed. "His potion wore off too quickly," she explained, as she gestured over to a cupboard on the far side of the room that was used during term time for the storage of broomsticks, footballs and other sporting equipment. Normally it was so full that the door barely shut; now at the end of the term it was empty. It would be an ideal hiding place for anyone who wanted to spy on the common room.  
George strode angrily over to the cupboard and wrenched the door open. Sure enough, Ron was inside, a handkerchief stuffed in his mouth to muffle his laughter. He blinked his eyes furiously as daylight suddenly streamed into his previously darkened hiding place.  
"Get out here!" yelled George, grabbing his younger brother's arm and hauling him out of the cupboard. "You're going to be in big trouble when we tell Mum about this."  
"You can't tell Mum," Ron said defiantly. "Otherwise I'll tell her about your porno mag!"  
"You wouldn't dare," Fred said, but his tone lacked confidence. "Whose idea was this little charade anyway?"  
"Harry's" said Ron, at exactly the same moment as Harry said "Ron's." There was a momentary pause and then the whole story spilled out: how Hermione had come up with the idea of using polyjuice potion to quiz Malfoy about the Chamber of Secrets; how they'd distracted Snape so she could steal the ingredients she needed; how the potion had been brewed in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom and how their interrogation of Malfoy had failed to give them any useful information, save that it was not Malfoy who was responsible. Harry and Ron didn't mention Hermione's misadventure with the potion: one glance at her stony expression had been enough to warn them off. After that they'd more or less forgotten the potion until Hermione had reminded them about it that morning. There had been just enough left for the three of them and they'd decided to play a prank of their own on Fred and George. Hermione, after much persuasion, had eventually agreed. Ginny had not needed persuading: she had been delighted to take part.  
Fred and George tried to remain disapproving but couldn't hide their awe at the trio's ingenuity.  
"But where did you get the robes?" Fred wondered aloud.  
"Easy," Ron said. "Stole them from the laundry. Hermione pretended she'd left her watch in her pocket so we had an excuse to sneak in."  
"Lockhart must have forgotten to take his with him," Harry added.  
"And there was hair on the collars of the robes," chimed in Hermione.  
"Luckily it was the right hair!" Ron winked slyly at Harry and then yelped in pain as Hermione elbowed him.  
"It still wasn't funny!" George said loudly, but then he remembered McGonagall - well, Hermione - declaring her undying love for Harry disguised as Lockhart. He couldn't help but laugh.  
"Just you wait," Fred declared. "We'll think of a way to get back at you. And in the meantime these photos are going on the fire before they cause any more trouble."  
He tossed the photo of Snape and Hermione onto the flames but then hesitated.  
"Actually, I think we'll keep this one of McGonagall. Just for... er... potential blackmailing purposes."  
"Whatever you say, Fred." Ron grinned wickedly. "Now get a move on or we're all going to miss the train!" 


End file.
